Addition to the Last Post

I walked a long, lonesome road in my life. I've also learned to live through the most painful parts too. I wanted to take the time to continue this post from the other one, "Walking the line." A road is often like a line. Sometimes, it is endless.

Because the last post was getting really long, I decided I would share just a few more brief moments.

I learned my lesson throughout life. Learned. What a great term! Everyone has their faults. Everyone does. We should all admit that. It is not that hard, and actually, we should not lie or try to hide them either. If we learn to tell the truth, maybe we could feel a little bit better about ourselves.

While learning to overcome some of the steepest of mountains, I had to encounter much of guidance. Even when I did not want any because I thought I could do everything myself, it has made me a stronger person. You do not need to work with your own person to overcome barriers all the time. Sometimes, just sometimes, you need to have someone make you a bit stronger.

Although others may be able to help you with regaining your strength, you must remember to complete your part too. You cannot leave the other person to take care of issues of yourself for you. In this, I am saying that not only as advice, but for my own person. I have needed to remind myself multiple times to put in my share as well. Jesus has guided me through this all. He has said before that he will guide you through mistakes. Yes, guide you. He not only takes away your sins and forgives, but He will guide you with open arms when you are open to Him.

Alright, back to my "testimony," I just wanted to say this, I always had this saying in my head. "Jesus loves me no matter what political party I am." It gave me more confidence and reminded me that I was okay living in the other direction. Truth is, he loves me no matter what. Period. But some of my views, He does not like. I had to realize that He gave me life. He chose me and yes, He knows I will fall. But we are made to change. He gives us a million second chances. Although He loves, he wants us to make the right choices too.

Yesterday, when I was realizing things, and changing, God had directed me to a couple different segments of scripture. I shared one with you on the previous post.

"All his days he eats in darkness, with great frustration, affliction, and anger." Ecclesiastes five: seventeen. I believe that God was introducing me with this verse. I believe it was the first verse he showed me.Then, I turned the page and read Ecclesiastes ten:two. I then flipped the page back to Ecclesiastes eight :one, "...Wisdom brightens a man's face and changes its hard appearance." This verse took me back to thinking about the the heart of the right. They are wise. Then, I was off to the last two scripture verses shown to me: "If a ruler's anger rises against you, do not leave your post; calmness can lay great errors to rest." Ecclesiastes ten: four. I found that in this fine verse, as I was mad and angry, I would speak of such horrible things. I would lay disrespect before my elder's feet with my own opinion. "At the beginning, [the fool's] words are folly; at the end, they are wicked madness-" Ecclesiastes ten: thirteen. I was assured that my sins were forgiven after I read each verse in the order presented unto me. I was taught very important lessons and I was sure I have learned a great deal from each.

I want to say one last thing before I end this post. I am thankful for God. He is always there for me. No matter my sins, He is always there to pick me up off the ground. Always there to chase me down that road. He cares so much. Thank you God, for loving me.


 

Walking the Line

Silence. It occurs to me. A moment taken in which I must say nothing but sadness fills my mind. My mother tells me I do not live a bad life. Obviously, I know that. I know my life is not that bad as other girls out there. Other people. The only thing I can think of in the moment while sadness has me a drift, is pain. My heart has been hurt. Not for relational properties though. I have been hurt in a degree that is only minor, yet my whole world has crashed because of it.

I walk a tightrope. Silently. A tightrope. The line is very tricky to grasp my feet upon. And to get a steady hold of myself is nothing but a nightmare. Yes. This is life for me this very moment. Right now.

I stand alone. While other people around me do nothing, I stand there. At the rope's edge, I am ready to fall. That mean, old, nasty devil, has gotten me wrapped around his little finger. On the left side of life. He encourages me to keep going but then laughs at me when I stumble. Gosh, "Get away from me," I scream But nothing gives me the strength to fight back, and I think I like the way I am. 

My name is Kaitlyn. A woman. Not a little girl anymore. This is my story. 

Some of my friends do know that I have been struggling. Not only with life, but with a lot of things. I must say it has been hard. Really hard. I fell away from God for three years or so. When I received Him back into my heart again, I was as happy as night and day. I want to say that I have been in His arms for a year and a half or so, if I do remember. It was great. Lovely in fact. Joy was about my face like never before. Now, everything has changed. 

I am going to be extremely truthful in this next paragraph or so. I walked away again, I do believe it was when I chose to finally be free and be myself. Apparently, now as I figure things out, it was too early to be released. I found out about the 'world' and about 'life' at a very young age. Now, all I do is like to be cooped up at home. I do not like going out, I do not like seeing people. It is very challenging for me. Everything annoys me. Everything. 

I chose to be someone of my own kind. Not like the rest. My parents, well, truth be told are not like me in any matter. Our views are completely different. I am a radical. I am a liberal. I am a lefty. I am a democrat. That should all explain our differences. They are totally not like me in any way, shape, or form, but I think you get that. 

My world just started to fall apart and crumble even more just yesterday. I am a total wreck as I say to myself. I will never be free again. I will never be found. I will never survive because of burdens left of the past. My memories are gone. Well most of them anyway. I only remember the worst of them, or even so, an hour ago is about it. Nothing happy do I wish to be reminded of. In fact, I do say that I remember nothing at all. I tell my self that my past is a secret, and bam, everything and it ever so fine detail disappears. That is the truth I do say to you. 

Yesterday. Yesterday was the day I think I asked God the most for the random and smallest acts of life to work out. The non-important things I would say. They all did. A little bit of prayer can do such great things. It was the day I told myself that I would read the Bible before I did anything. Only did I put it off toward the end of nightfall before I fell to sleep. And when I opened it to a random scripture reading, I was directed to this: "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of fool to the left." Ecclesiastes ten:two. I realized from the moment I chose to be of one self that the left was of such stupidity. Back in the day, people would get punished for being left handed. Another everyday matter to be reckoned with is that people shake with their right hands, not their left. No wonder the left side is to be condemned. They are of such sinful nature. I realized that in this verse. But the most important realization is that Jesus will be sitting at the right hand of the father. The right hand. The right side. 

Walking that tightrope, I thought I was standing strong in the middle. One of those everyday church goers who goes on Sundays, claiming they know God and then going home to being a different, non-Christ like person. I realized that I was on left side. The left side is sin.Walking that line, the devil was waiting, waiting to catch me on his side. Not knowing and wanting to be myself, I thought it felt good to be with the devil. But soon his temptations were no longer pleasing to me.I got really mad at every little thing. I am just really happy that there is a loving God out there ready to catch you on his side of the line. He is the one always going to be there and catch you. And to believe that for the longest time, I was okay with living in the worst way possible. Now, I know what side I want to be on.  I do reckon to realize that now. If anything, I have a lot of work to catch up on. I need to be over that line. I need to start walking on the right. 

Thanks for Just Being There

I know that in December of two thousand twelve I wrote a post about love. It was titled "What is Love?" I do believe. In that post, I wrote about how my feelings and thoughts to that term were of corruption. I do still believe that is what love means, I do, but for special reasons and for 'certain someones,' I must say I have changed my mind a tad bit.

Throughout the course of three or so years, I have had relationships that have hurt me. They have cut me apart, torn me into shreds. I did get depressed for a while because of the break-up but not for long. I would soon forget. (My current state of madness is not because of any relation.)

I am trying to tell you people that love is something ever-so generous. The kind touch of freedom I feel is something worth such credible nature. I love it. I absolutely do. But right now, that kind touch of freedom has nothing but to tell me I cannot be in love. You do see reader, that I am in love at my current stature. I know that it will never work out because the lust I draw from has been in a martial condition for quite some time. It is wrong for my kind of loving. It is ever-so wrong.

Although they are in that condition, I have made plans about myself to capture a clear feeling of love from this man. I must sit back and hold it all in. Let my thoughts consume me. My ever-so sinful thoughts. It is wrong and I do understand, I do know it. Why must I hurt myself more and more trying to love which I cannot? In this, I do not understand.

If you are reading this, let me tell you, I am a darkened creature, not one of many likes. You make me pleased and happy under that frown so blue. You probably think I am such of stupidity. I do realize I am. I am sorry. (That is the first time I have ever said that term in a long, long time.) But let me tell you one last thing, even though I will never be able to have you, you will proceed to give me an attitude of enjoyment, happiness, and peace throughout the rest of my life.

The tears I have shed were plentiful as wrote this. I had to share a moment with you about this love and life thing I had going for me, and still as I finish this post about the craziest sin ever, the worst punishment yet to come, I do realize that if I can never have you, I will not get mad, I will just realize you were the bit of life that gave me a real chance to seek comfort and  everlasting care. Thanks for just being there.