Walking the Line

Silence. It occurs to me. A moment taken in which I must say nothing but sadness fills my mind. My mother tells me I do not live a bad life. Obviously, I know that. I know my life is not that bad as other girls out there. Other people. The only thing I can think of in the moment while sadness has me a drift, is pain. My heart has been hurt. Not for relational properties though. I have been hurt in a degree that is only minor, yet my whole world has crashed because of it.

I walk a tightrope. Silently. A tightrope. The line is very tricky to grasp my feet upon. And to get a steady hold of myself is nothing but a nightmare. Yes. This is life for me this very moment. Right now.

I stand alone. While other people around me do nothing, I stand there. At the rope's edge, I am ready to fall. That mean, old, nasty devil, has gotten me wrapped around his little finger. On the left side of life. He encourages me to keep going but then laughs at me when I stumble. Gosh, "Get away from me," I scream But nothing gives me the strength to fight back, and I think I like the way I am. 

My name is Kaitlyn. A woman. Not a little girl anymore. This is my story. 

Some of my friends do know that I have been struggling. Not only with life, but with a lot of things. I must say it has been hard. Really hard. I fell away from God for three years or so. When I received Him back into my heart again, I was as happy as night and day. I want to say that I have been in His arms for a year and a half or so, if I do remember. It was great. Lovely in fact. Joy was about my face like never before. Now, everything has changed. 

I am going to be extremely truthful in this next paragraph or so. I walked away again, I do believe it was when I chose to finally be free and be myself. Apparently, now as I figure things out, it was too early to be released. I found out about the 'world' and about 'life' at a very young age. Now, all I do is like to be cooped up at home. I do not like going out, I do not like seeing people. It is very challenging for me. Everything annoys me. Everything. 

I chose to be someone of my own kind. Not like the rest. My parents, well, truth be told are not like me in any matter. Our views are completely different. I am a radical. I am a liberal. I am a lefty. I am a democrat. That should all explain our differences. They are totally not like me in any way, shape, or form, but I think you get that. 

My world just started to fall apart and crumble even more just yesterday. I am a total wreck as I say to myself. I will never be free again. I will never be found. I will never survive because of burdens left of the past. My memories are gone. Well most of them anyway. I only remember the worst of them, or even so, an hour ago is about it. Nothing happy do I wish to be reminded of. In fact, I do say that I remember nothing at all. I tell my self that my past is a secret, and bam, everything and it ever so fine detail disappears. That is the truth I do say to you. 

Yesterday. Yesterday was the day I think I asked God the most for the random and smallest acts of life to work out. The non-important things I would say. They all did. A little bit of prayer can do such great things. It was the day I told myself that I would read the Bible before I did anything. Only did I put it off toward the end of nightfall before I fell to sleep. And when I opened it to a random scripture reading, I was directed to this: "The heart of the wise inclines to the right, but the heart of fool to the left." Ecclesiastes ten:two. I realized from the moment I chose to be of one self that the left was of such stupidity. Back in the day, people would get punished for being left handed. Another everyday matter to be reckoned with is that people shake with their right hands, not their left. No wonder the left side is to be condemned. They are of such sinful nature. I realized that in this verse. But the most important realization is that Jesus will be sitting at the right hand of the father. The right hand. The right side. 

Walking that tightrope, I thought I was standing strong in the middle. One of those everyday church goers who goes on Sundays, claiming they know God and then going home to being a different, non-Christ like person. I realized that I was on left side. The left side is sin.Walking that line, the devil was waiting, waiting to catch me on his side. Not knowing and wanting to be myself, I thought it felt good to be with the devil. But soon his temptations were no longer pleasing to me.I got really mad at every little thing. I am just really happy that there is a loving God out there ready to catch you on his side of the line. He is the one always going to be there and catch you. And to believe that for the longest time, I was okay with living in the worst way possible. Now, I know what side I want to be on.  I do reckon to realize that now. If anything, I have a lot of work to catch up on. I need to be over that line. I need to start walking on the right.